No Regrets?

No Regrets?

Just watched the 25th Anniversary production of Phantom Of The Opera online, and as expected it made me super emotional, partly because it was so amazing, but mostly because it made me feel bad about myself.

Other than wanting to be the lead singer of a kick ass rock band, really my true passion is musical theatre, which I think even a lot of my friends might not know. For me singing has always been about acting the song as well as vocalising it, and having danced since I was 3, the 3 arts combined is just the best. And yet, I never once auditioned for one. Not even for chorus. In my 20s, a friend tried to convince me to audition for a new musical (Dirty Dancing) which was looking for dancers, especially those with a background in ballroom / latin, and despite the fact that she'd been in London musical productions (and therefore knew the standard expected), and the fact that I'd studied ballroom / latin for almost ten years (passing all my exams with crazy high pass scores), I didn't go. Because I didn't think I was good enough.

I have very few regrets in my life, but not taking a chance to see where my talents could take me is the big one. It's not all my fault - a LOT of auditions were only open to women over a certain height (often 5 ft 6), and although my Starnow profile says I'm 5 ft 4 (I think it also says I'm 29...) I'm only 5 ft 2. But I never took any chances anyway, because I didn't think I was good enough.

It's too late for me now, I'm 38 this year, and ain't nobody casting any middle aged short chicks in their musicals.. but I've realised that the best things that never happened to me, and the worst things that have happened to me in my life, have happened because I didn't think I was good enough, bad relationships, low self esteem etc.

Sooo, bringing me to my point... please don't let this happen to you.

I mean, somethings you might not be good enough at - for example, don't try juggling with flaming torches if you think you're not good enough at that... but, when we get out of these current restrictions and are finally allowed to get on with our lives, make sure you REALLY get on with it. Don't piss about. Don't waste time. Don't end up with regrets.

U.G.L.Y.

I've felt / known / been told I was ugly for almost as far back as I can remember. When I was 19 Mike told me he'd cheated on me because I had a big nose. When I was around 10 years old Paul Tucker apparently stood in the middle of the school field and shouted "GEMMA IS UGLY!!!" And so on and so forth..

I spent my teens uncomfortably pretending to watch Alien in the lounge with a German exchange student, with the sound of my gorgeous friend Faye snogging the boy we both fancied coming from the kitchen next door. I was the tagalong friend, the eternally single funny one.

I took out a loan for £4000 to have a nose job - it looks worse than it did before. I had a mole removed from my chin - it left a scar. I tried hair extensions - they made my hair fall out. It seems that I am just destined to be ugly. I have cried and cried about it. I've despaired and hated myself, and wailed on my husband's shoulder "Why aren't I allowed to be pretty?? It's not fair, I'm a good person, I should be allowed to be pretty!" But it doesn't work like that.

It should work like that, it really should. Because what have pretty people achieved? It's not a talent, they haven't done anything to deserve it, they've just been lucky enough to be born with good bone structure, or a dainty little nose, or a perfectly symmetrical face. I am a huge believer that people should not be treated any better or worse because of the way they look, but let's not pretend that isn't the case. Our lives are filled with examples of people who've achieved success / fame / fortune / adoration solely because they are beautiful, and people who have never / will never be given the opportunities they deserve because their face doesn't fit.

As a person I actually like myself quite a lot; I'm kind, funny, fairly clever, I have a big heart, I'm a good communicator, I know how to make people feel good about themselves, I can sing and dance, and I make a pretty decent chocolate cake. And I often wonder, if I would have developed my own special rather lovely personality if I'd have grown up beautiful?

Would I have the ability to make people laugh and think up a quick quip on the spot if I hadn't spent life since puberty getting the joke in first about my 'small' (actually perfectly normal sized) boobs or my 'big' (ok it is quite big..) bum, as a form of self defence? Would I have spent time and effort working on my voice if I had just been told I was amazing and thrust into the spotlight from day dot? Would I be so good at communicating and networking and making friends if I'd never had to rely on my charm instead of my face? Would I know how to make people feel special if I'd not spent years feeling anything but?

I'm not saying that all incredibly good looking people are dumb or charmless or vacuous or dull, I know many gorgeous folks who are not - my beautiful, hilarious, adorable husband for one - but it happens a fair bit.. Especially at this moment in time, with the Instagram / Love Island generation relying solely on boob jobs and botox to get themselves through life. I can't help but think they are missing out on developing some fabulous life skills, and so many interesting facets to human personalities.

It's hard for me to wrap my head around who is worse off here. Especially on days where I literally can't even bear to leave the house because I'm so ashamed of my hideous face, and I know how much easier my life would be if I had a smaller nose, and a more symmetrical jaw line, and straighter hair etc etc... Easier yes. But better? Probably not. I know that those who love me love me because they see the beauty in my soul. I know if I get picked for a job it's because I'm genuinely good at it.

We individually spend so much time, money, and effort working to make ourselves physically more acceptable to society, when we should be working on society so that it accepts us as we are. Perhaps by just accepting my lack of outer beauty I am saving myself from the constant battle and freeing myself up for the things that should matter.

It's difficult. It's SO difficult. Because the tide is against us. But I'm proposing we fight against that tide. We actively say screw you to society. We go out without makeup and we tell people "I'm not wearing makeup today because it doesn't f**king matter." We say "No I don't have cheekbones you could cut glass on, but watch me nail this meeting / performance / class / housework today." Well ok, it probably won't change a thing, but it's an idea..

As a final thought, if you're reading this and you, like me, feel like you fell from the ugly tree hitting every branch on the way down, I'm not going to try to convince you that you wouldn't have it much easier if you were blessed with the looks of a greek goddess, but I hope you genuinely take some comfort that you more than likely are a more humble, thoughtful, understanding, and probably interesting, person than you would have been if you'd been born with supermodel genes.
Lots of love xxx